Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
