She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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