I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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