Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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