I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
