sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
