I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
