i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
being pregnant is like rehab
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
