Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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