we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
