so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
