What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
