Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
