i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
