I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
