Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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