John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
