I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
