I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize