Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
