I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
