so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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