A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize