I wish I could teleport
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I should be sponsored by Trojan
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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