I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
