Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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