420 ftw
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
