I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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