who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize