and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
