Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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