My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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