My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
