I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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