If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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