i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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