he looks like a really good dad on facebook
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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