I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
