One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
