ya dads aren't the best wingmen
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
