They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
