Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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