I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
