there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
