Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
