We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize