kristin has been a bad kristin
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
