Pants 0. Shit 1.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
