how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
