Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
