I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
