Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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