It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
