put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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