is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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