Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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