I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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