I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Two words: nipple clamps
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