So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
