Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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