The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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