she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
