My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
