what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize