i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
